The Great Debate

Kirk Herbstreit: Good evening readers. Tonight we've rounded up the coaches of the Penn State Nittany Lions and Ohio State Buckeyes. We thought we'd get them together for a nice debate and a discussion about this weekend's coming game. Because I went to Ohio State and have an incredibly odd infatuation with Penn State, We Want the Lion has chosen me as moderator.

Now, without further ado, please welcome Jim Tressel and Joe Paterno!



Herbstreit: Good evening gentlemen. Now, on with the questions. Coaches, why do you think the computer polls have Ohio State ranked ahead of PSU in the BCS?

Paterno: Ah, I don't even know how they work, I mean, I,I, I don’t even have a computer!

Tressel: Well we have a stellar program here at THE Ohio State University. We have a lot of great young people who go out and work hard, week in and week out. Also, the fact that we may or may not pay them probably helps our computer ranking.

Herbstreit: What can each of you do to sway the voters to vote for your school in the polls?

Tressel: Well, Kirk, you really have to appeal to what matters most to these folks: money. So we'll probably have an Escalade or two sent out to the important voters out there across the country. It's no big deal, Terrelle has three of them already.

Herbstreit: Coach Paterno, what can you do to sway the voters?

Paterno: Uhhh, win, you dumbass.

Herbstreit: Let's move on to this weekend's big game. Coach Paterno, what do you think about the Ohio State squad this year? How can you win this weekend?

Paterno: Oh ya know, they got a great bunch of kids over there. We’re gonna hafta go out there and play hard, that’s just a great group of kids and they’re a good, solid football team.

Herbstreit: And Coach Tressel, are you excited about the fact that, with a win this weekend, you could possibly have a chance to blow another huge game against a big conference opponent at the end of the year?

Tressel: Watch it, Kirk. You don't want to see me angry.

Tressel: Alright, so it's not that scary.

Herbstreit: Coaches, what might each of you do to fix the BCS?

Tressel: Except for including teams from the SEC, I’d say it works perfectly.

Paterno: I, I, I’m not sure what this BGS is, but anything’s better than letting the President decide the winner. That bastard Nixon….

Herbstreit: Coach Tressel, what’s your impression of your freshman quarterback, Terrelle Pryor?

Tressel: Well I think he has a tremendously bright future in front of him, much like other highly touted freshman from this great university’s past.

Paterno: You mean like this guy?


Tressel: No comment.

Herbstreit: Coach Paterno, how would you describe your coaching staff?

Paterno: Ahh well Kirk, ya know they’re a great bunch of kids.

Herbstreit: But coach, some of your coaches, like Tom Bradley, have been at the school for over 30 years!

Paterno: Ahh that Bradley’s a good egg, he’s gonna have a great career someday.

Herbstreit: Anyway, Coach Tressel, how would you characterize your staff?

Tressel: We’re a team of mavericks, Kirk.

Herbstreit: Moving on…Coach Tressel, what effect do you think the raucous Penn State student section will have on your Buckeyes this Saturday?

Tressel: Kirk, the game is at Ohio State.

Herbstreit: Speculation aside, you have to admit that Penn State’s student section is the best in the nation.

Paterno: Didn’t you play at Ohio State?

Herbstreit: Uhhhh....Coach Tressel, walk us through a game day with you. What's your routine like?

Tressel: Well Kirk, to be honest, I spend most of the day picking out my sweater vest.

Paterno: But you only have two different colors, you ninny!

.

Herbstreit: Coach Paterno, please let Coach Tressel finish.

Tressel: Thank you, Kirk. After I pick out the vest, I just make a couple quick calls to the boosters to make sure the money is being doled out according to... I mean, just to say hello, and then I get ready to fire the guys up.

Herbstreit: And what is your game day routine like, Coach Paterno?

Paterno: Basically I spend all morning trying to crap, then I catch the elevator to the booth for the game.

Herbstreit: Fantastic! Continuing on with you, Joe, what is your opinion of sideline reporters?

Paterno: Well it depends on what she looks like.

Herbstreit: Okay gentlemen, now it's time to take a couple questions from the audience. First up is Dan, from Princeton, New Jersey.

Dan: Coach Tressel, why are you such a smug bastard?

sigh

Herbstreit: Let's move on. Here's Brett from Indiana.

Brett: Coach Paterno, how does this compare to other big games in your past?

Paterno: Well I remember back when I was just starting out as the head coach here we had a big game against, oh, what was that school, the uh Western University of Pennsylvania and it was a big one! We were undefeated and they were undefeated and they had a couple a real good kids. Great buncha players. They had that one fella what was his name, oh yea-

Herbstreit: Thanks Coach. And you Tressel, how does this compare to other big games in your career?

Tressel: Well Kirk, we've been in a lot of big games and we've had a lot of success in those big games so I-

Urban: What's that, Tress?

Tressel: Well we did have that slip up against Florida but that was nothing. We rebounded nicely and ran the table the following season and the-

Les: And then what, Jim?

Tressel: We've been in a lot of big games.

Herbstreit: Well that was awkward. I didn't know you guys were in town. And now for the final question. Coaches, tell me why your team is the best team in the nation. Coach Paterno, we'll start with you.

Paterno: Awww, come on Kirk, I, I'm not gonna waste my time, I mean, that's just a silly, I, I'm not gonna answer that, come on, that's just a waste of time.

Herbstreit: Coach Tressel, your thoughts?

Tressel: Well, I think we do have the best team in the country, Kirk. We have a great defense, and an offense that is learning every week. And what's more, our team has wide-reaching appeal. I've talked to all of our fans, all the hockey moms and Johnny Six Packs and Joe Plumbers out there. And unequivocally they've told me that if you take out the SEC and the Pac-10, we have the best team in this great nation.

Herbstreit: That's just not true, Coach! Let's go PSU!

Paterno (shaking head): Ugh...

Herbstreit: On that note, I think it's about time to wrap things up! Thanks for your time, coaches.

"mmmmmyeeeeeaaah!"